1 Just do it.
Let’s face it, we’ve been bombarded by Boney M and a gaggle of cheesy carols in the shops since mid October. Resistance is indeed futile. Don’t even try. My suggestion, no matter how grinchy you are, is to just go with it. Buy yourself a Christmas hat with a flashy bobble, stock up on mince pies and learn the words to Little Drummer Boy. It’ll make coping with the season so much easier.
2 The early reindeer gets the carrot
If you’re going to insist on doing your shopping on Christmas Eve, then make sure you get to the mall no later than 9am. And aim for one which isn’t too near a residential area. It may sound lunatic, but a trip to the V&A Waterfront at 9am on December 24 is a million times less stressful than engaging in the bloody warfare that goes along with a visit to Cavendish Square, Kenilworth Centre or Garden Centre.
3 Confectionary confusion
Please, if you’re going to insist on calling it a gingerbread man, make sure it’s vaguely man-shaped and contains some ginger, at the very least. There’s nothing sadder than trying to pass of a bland lump of over-cooked dough as a gingerbread man. The least you could do is stick some Smarties on as eyes and soak them in gingerbeer over night – but even that might not rescue them.
4 Deck the halls
While I understand your intense need to carry your innate geekiness through into every aspect of your life, let’s draw the line at Darth Vader Y-fronts and Spiderman toothbrush. Christmas trees are for Christmas decorations and unless you can find a Wookie in a Santa hat, or a Delorian being pulled by a red nosed reindeer, keep your fan boy paraphernalia in the display case and invest in some baubles and twinkly lights for the tree.
5 S’no problem
So what if December 25 finds us sweltering beside the pool in temperatures upwards of 37 degrees – our Christmas cards are supposed to be covered in cute fat little robins sitting on snow topped fences and you’re expected to buy 16 cans of spray snow to give your tree and the windows that “authentic” look. Besides, give us a few more decades of ridiculously high carbon foot prints and who knows, we could be sledding our way to the malls on Christmas eve in no time.
6 Cracking up
Christmas crackers – one of the most important parts of the family dinner. Not only do you score a ridiculous, sixth-rate toy made by a 4-year-old in China, but you also get the chance to wear a stupid hat, risk third degree burns from the mini explosives hidden inside and compete for Lamest Joke of the Night. What’s not to love?
7 Jolly good fun
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with decking yourself in tinsel, flashing lights and Christmas hats when you’re out shopping, driving, working, mowing your lawn or sun tanning. In fact, it’s encouraged. Just try to match your mood with your décor, that’s all I ask. There’s nothing more horrifying than a woman dressed all in red, with a luxury Santa hat, stomping through the mall swearing like a sailor and grimacing. Think of the children, at least.
8 Sock it to them
It’s perfectly okay to give socks as presents. After all, you know that under the tree waiting for you are at least three bottles of bubble bath, a collection of decorative soaps and possibly a tie or two. Christmas is all about tacky gifts. Go wild.
9 Festive feasting
It wasn’t a proper Christmas dinner if you didn’t have to chase your eleven helpings with three glasses of Eno and a half a dozen Rennie’s. That warm fuzziness everyone says you’re supposed to feel at this time of year? Heartburn.
10 Jingle bell rock
If you even remotely consider yourself a musician of any sort, now is the time to hit the recording studio. Churn out a dozen or so Christmas songs and carols, spiced up with your own special flair and prepare to make millions. For some reason there’s nothing the minions want more than to hear the latest schlebs warbling along to songs we though only Boney M could do justice to. C’mon Bieber, I just now you’ve got a chart topping rendition of We Three Kings in you.